{"id":73808,"date":"2022-07-11T15:26:41","date_gmt":"2022-07-11T21:26:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/?p=73808"},"modified":"2022-07-20T15:27:24","modified_gmt":"2022-07-20T21:27:24","slug":"mentoring-grow-by-giving-yourself-away","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/mentoring-grow-by-giving-yourself-away\/","title":{"rendered":"Mentoring: Grow By Giving Yourself Away"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Mentoring: Grow By Giving Yourself Away<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>in\u00a0<\/em><a title=\"https:\/\/mesoamericaregion.us4.list-manage.com\/track\/click?u=03e55b045b4b2d81fc3a5a85b&amp;id=6c24077a1f&amp;e=cc8a2451b3\" contenteditable=\"false\" href=\"https:\/\/mesoamericaregion.us4.list-manage.com\/track\/click?u=03e55b045b4b2d81fc3a5a85b&amp;id=6c24077a1f&amp;e=cc8a2451b3\"><strong>Man in the Mirror Blog<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Are you longing to put your faith in action and make a difference? Is God prompting you to invest in someone else? We want to demystify and discuss the ins, outs, and life-changing nature of mentoring others.<\/p>\n<div align=\"center\">\n<hr align=\"center\" size=\"0\" width=\"100%\" \/>\n<\/div>\n<p>The following Q&amp;A excerpts are from our recent\u00a0<a title=\"https:\/\/mesoamericaregion.us4.list-manage.com\/track\/click?u=03e55b045b4b2d81fc3a5a85b&amp;id=c74556cf55&amp;e=cc8a2451b3\" contenteditable=\"false\" href=\"https:\/\/mesoamericaregion.us4.list-manage.com\/track\/click?u=03e55b045b4b2d81fc3a5a85b&amp;id=c74556cf55&amp;e=cc8a2451b3\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">webinar on mentoring<\/a>. Panelists include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Brett Clemmer, the president and CEO of Man in the Mirror,<\/li>\n<li>Michael Aitcheson, the lead pastor of Christ United Fellowship in Orlando and co-host of the\u00a0<em>As In Heaven<\/em>\u00a0podcast,<\/li>\n<li>and Jeremy Schurke, a former pastor and missionary, and current director of Mirror Labs, the R&amp;D division of Man in the Mirror focused on reaching men in their 20s and 30s.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Brett Clemmer guided the discussion on the power, promise, and practice of mentoring for Christian men. The responses below have been edited for clarity and brevity.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What is mentoring?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Michael:<\/strong>\u00a0My quick and easy definition is:<\/p>\n<p><em>Proximate relationship + two-way conversation + time = mentoring.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Said another way, a great recipe for a healthy mentoring relationship is life-on-life discipleship with sincere vulnerability, shared wisdom, and an exchange of ideas over time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Is there a difference between mentoring and discipleship?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Michael:<\/strong>\u00a0To me, mentoring is a kind of discipleship and so I use the terms almost interchangeably. I even throw \u201cfathering\u201d into the mix. It\u2019s more than a head-oriented discipleship though. You\u2019re teaching someone about the word of God, yes, but the type of discipleship that I experienced was a\u00a0<em>caught\u00a0<\/em>more than\u00a0<em>taught<\/em>\u00a0exchange. I saw the application of the word of God to all areas of life. I got to see decisions made; I got to experience thoughts; I got to see a person fail; and I got to see a person succeed.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Brett:<\/strong>\u00a0But having a mentor is different than having brothers. I\u2019ve got some guys in my life that are brothers; we walk through life together. We certainly challenge each other and tell each other when we\u2019re being dumb, but that\u2019s a different relationship than the relationship with a spiritual father or a mentor, which I feel like includes more wisdom, knowledge, and experience at the base. And hopefully it has a lot of love, curiosity, and compassion on top of that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>THE POWER of mentoring<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Jeremy:\u00a0<\/strong>When your life is transformed, that\u2019s not a solo endeavor. You can\u2019t do that by yourself. So the power is through relationship with someone else. Through the correction and care of a mentor, a man can unlock his God-given potential\u2014to become who God created him to be.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>THE BIG IDEA:<\/em><\/strong><em>\u00a0Men, it\u2019s time to grow by giving yourself away to someone else. Who is God calling you to invest in?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Michael:<\/strong>\u00a0I think of a man named Gifford Ramsey. He was a state trooper, and Gifford Ramsey could dine with the governor and the guy on the street corner in the same night, at the same table, and make both of them feel equally important. He poured into me in this way and made me feel valued. He simply pulled me in and took me along with him. He took me to radio interviews. He invited me to his house.<\/p>\n<p>He was also one of my football coaches and spiritual leaders on the team. I remember an incident at a game when I got angry and was given a 15-yard penalty. And who did I hear yelling from the sideline with his high soprano voice? \u201cMike, I told you the devil out here, too. The devil out here on the football field.\u201d And to this day, I hear Gifford Ramsey\u2019s voice reverberating in my mind constantly. I look back at how much he was investing in ways that I can only fully understand and appreciate as an adult.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jeremy:<\/strong>\u00a0When I was in high school, there was a man named Wink who kind of became my spiritual father of sorts. There was nothing particularly outstanding about him. The thing that stood out about him amongst all the other dads was that every other dad spoke down to me, but he spoke level with me with dignity, which I didn\u2019t have a lot of back then. He showed me what hospitality was.<\/p>\n<p>I remember he\u2019d say, \u201cHey, if you\u2019re ever around here, if you ever need a place to stay, if you\u2019re ever in trouble, here\u2019s the garage code. Just come in, we\u2019ll cook you breakfast, sleep wherever you can.\u201d And I did multiple times. Wink was just inviting me more into relationship\u2014into sonship in a way\u2014and prepping me to see what God the Father is like.<\/p>\n<p><strong>THE PROMISE of mentoring<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Michael:<\/strong>\u00a0I think mentoring promises four things: community, security, dignity, and identity.<\/p>\n<p>With community, you\u2019re not doing life by yourself. Somebody is with you. Someone has decided to raise you up, do life with you, and watch you go off.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ve got security. The Bible says there\u2019s wisdom or safety in the counsel of many. Having someone investing in you who may have taken a few more steps than you have, who may have stepped off a few cliffs, who may have had blunders that can prevent\u00a0<em>you<\/em>\u00a0from having the same experience\u2014gives you security.<\/p>\n<p>Now we\u2019re all going to experience pain, and it\u2019s where we live; we live in a broken world, so there\u2019s no way to avoid it. But there is an unwise and unhelpful way to go headlong into unnecessary pain. Mentoring helps provide practical and emotional security. And you understand that you\u2019re not by yourself.<\/p>\n<p>The third is dignity. No matter what age or stage a person is in, how sweet is it to have someone say that you matter. Hopefully, we all have had experiences where someone has looked at us and taken a certain interest in us. And that changes our mental and emotional state of being. It moves us to action when people help dignify us, humanize us, and help us understand that we are somebody and we do matter.<\/p>\n<p>And then the last thing I would say is identity. A friend told me that when I was in seminary, \u201cYou\u2019re always a man under authority.\u201d It\u2019s true, whether we want to accept it or not\u2014no matter how much power we have. Because God created us. There\u2019s always going to be this creator-creature distinction. And I think mentoring helps remind us in the healthiest of ways that there\u2019s always someone over us. You are a son.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jeremy:<\/strong>\u00a0In the Great Commission verses, the last line is Jesus\u2019 promise and reminder that He\u2019s with us always to the end of the age. And it\u2019s a helpful promise for me as I\u2019m mentoring someone\u2014to know that I\u2019m not doing it as an obedient follower; I\u2019m doing it as a son who has relationship with God in the midst of it. Because He\u2019s with us always, including when we\u2019re mentoring someone, and we can be in the presence of God while doing this work.<\/p>\n<p><strong>THE PRACTICE of mentoring<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Should there be an age gap?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Jeremy:<\/strong>\u00a0To me, mentoring implies a gap in age where someone with more life experience and knowledge and wisdom\u2014collected wisdom\u2014can pass it on to someone younger. There is something to being able to say: \u201cI know what you\u2019re going through because I\u2019ve been through it, and now I\u2019m on the other side and I have perspective that gives me wisdom beyond just knowledge.\u201d And so, while it\u2019s not necessary, I do think it\u2019s highly beneficial.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michael:\u00a0<\/strong>Sometimes there\u2019s also an emotional age to consider. There are men we probably know in our lives who are older men, but we realize that we\u2019re emotionally older than them in terms of maturity.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Brett:<\/strong>\u00a0Certainly, a mentor should be a more spiritually mature guy, at minimum.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jeremy:<\/strong>\u00a0A lot of times growing up in the Christian faith, I hear about co-mentoring, group mentoring, and things we do collectively. And at the heart of it, I don\u2019t hear a lot of older men of the faith taking young men under their wing and raising them up and mentoring them\u2014of discipleship being passed down from one generation to the next. To have what I refer to as an \u201celderly elder\u201d is a longing and desire I have for my own life.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michael:<\/strong>\u00a0I am really big on the idea of covenant, especially as we see it in the Bible. We\u2019ve got the Patriarchs. We\u2019ve got Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and the children of Israel. And you hear \u201cfirst generation,\u201d \u201csecond generation,\u201d and all this familial talk. And we see the continuation of the covenant, or continuation of this relationship or arrangement over generations.<\/p>\n<p>I heard about a young lady who stood up at this gathering at her church and started singing Amazing Grace. She had a beautiful, beautiful voice; it just stirred the place, full of soul. But then an older lady in her 80s or 90s\u2014leather hands, gray hair, wrinkled skin, a body that was a little frail\u2014stood up to sing the same song.<\/p>\n<p>And there wasn\u2019t a dry eye. There wasn\u2019t a person left sitting in their seat. That lady\u2019s life, her testimony, her walk with God, was brought to bear on that song. There\u2019s something about the elders that, in God\u2019s kindness, remind us that we\u2019ll make it, that they\u2019re with us. I think of Psalm 78\u2014recount the wonderful deeds of the Lord and tell the coming generations\u2014when I\u2019m around people who have been walking with Jesus longer than I\u2019ve been alive.<\/p>\n<p>They don\u2019t have to say anything else about God\u2019s faithfulness. I get it. I look at them and I say, \u201cYes, God is faithful.\u201d And I\u2019ve had a number of those older people in my life who have made an impact on me, dating back to high school.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Does there need to be a defined time period?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Jeremy:<\/strong>\u00a0Not necessarily. In my mind, there\u2019s an obvious beginning but not an obvious end to mentoring, because in a lot of ways, there\u2019s really no\u00a0<em>arrival<\/em>. It\u2019s doing life together.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Can you mentor more than one person at a time?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Michael:<\/strong>\u00a0You\u2019ve got to evaluate how much capacity you have to actually\u00a0<a title=\"https:\/\/mesoamericaregion.us4.list-manage.com\/track\/click?u=03e55b045b4b2d81fc3a5a85b&amp;id=6b97bd4473&amp;e=cc8a2451b3\" contenteditable=\"false\" href=\"https:\/\/mesoamericaregion.us4.list-manage.com\/track\/click?u=03e55b045b4b2d81fc3a5a85b&amp;id=6b97bd4473&amp;e=cc8a2451b3\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">be what those guys need you to be<\/a>. And what I\u2019ve come to understand is that it changes as the seasons go on. I mentor\u2014closely right now\u2014three guys, who each have a strong amount of my time and access to me. There are some more in the making, but again, I pray about that and evaluate my capacity to be faithful to our arrangement and our relationship.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Should you use a resource or curriculum?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Jeremy:<\/strong>\u00a0In my opinion, definitely. Men need order. When our lives are in chaos\u2014and they are in different ways and in areas\u2014we need other men to help us order our lives. I think a book or study is a great way to do that. A problem I see though is when we have predetermined curriculum and books that we want to use without knowing what the mentee needs. To determine what that is before you even know the person seems to be throwing spaghetti on the wall to see what sticks.<\/p>\n<p><strong>How do you choose who to invest in?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Brett:<\/strong>\u00a0You don\u2019t have to find a guy that\u2019s on his way spiritually before you\u2019re ready to invest your life in him. God\u2019s going to call you to invest your life in someone regardless of where he is spiritually. You have to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit saying\u00a0<em>this is the guy<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jeremy:<\/strong>\u00a0I\u2019m not going to try to choose the mentee who I think has the most capability and capacity. I think as the mentor, our responsibility is listening to the voice of God and the inner stirrings of our heart to know who He\u2019s leading us to, and then being obedient to that. Because it isn\u2019t like picking a team for sports. We want God to direct us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michael:<\/strong>\u00a0Our social circles\u2014plus the Holy Spirit\u2014will land us on a starting point faster and more effectively than we think. There are people in our circles that, if we just say, \u201cLord, can you help me see who\u2019s already in my circle that would benefit from a relationship like this? And from whom I\u2019d benefit from having a relationship with?\u201d then God will reveal that person in His time that he wants you to invest in.<\/p>\n<p>And just be open to being surprised. Pay attention to the people who are already around you, even if they seem to be acting in a way that\u2019s passive aggressive or aloof. Don\u2019t limit who you think God might want you to mentor or invest in.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What should happen at the initial meeting?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Brett:<\/strong>\u00a0You sense that God has revealed someone to you that He wants you to invest in. So what\u2019s next? I think a good starting point is acknowledging to them that you see something in them that makes you want to get to know them more.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michael:\u00a0<\/strong>There\u2019s no formula. Inviting someone to go out for a meal is a good starting point though. Just bring who you are to the table, with humility and curiosity, and take an interest in him.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jeremy:<\/strong>\u00a0I think sometimes you don\u2019t need to start with \u201cthe plan.\u201d You just need to start. You need to have the initiative and conviction that 1) this is something you want to do, and 2) this is someone you want to get to know better and potentially help.<\/p>\n<p>Just start at a baseline of getting to know the person, because every person wants to be known. \u201cHey, tell me about yourself, tell me your story,\u201d etc. Then as you\u2019re listening and following up, there will be some obvious connection points that emerge. I think if you\u2019re in the rhythm of actively listening and seeing where your lives kind of intertwine, then you\u2019ll realize how you can genuinely help this person or where you can point them for guidance.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michael:<\/strong>\u00a0I think as you\u2019re asking questions, an important one to ask before beginning a mentoring process is, \u201cHey, how does this sound to you? Is this something you\u2019re interested in?\u201d Give them a sense of ownership, a sense of buy-in, a sense of volition in the matter. Some of you are taking a risk and that\u2019s good. We have to take a risk, but we need the humility to say, \u201cHey, is this something that you would like?\u201d Give them an opportunity to decide whether or not it\u2019s something they want.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What if you\u2019ve tried and failed?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Brett:<\/strong>\u00a0I think there are some guys who are a little frustrated. They feel like they\u2019ve maybe tried to be a mentor to someone, and it always fizzles out, or guys just don\u2019t really respond well to them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jeremy:<\/strong>\u00a0First, you\u2019re probably not the first person that\u2019s been in their life and tried to mentor them; likely, they have had a lot of disappointment. So be mindful of that.<\/p>\n<p>But second, I would encourage you to take a deep, long look in the mirror and ask, \u201cAm I living a life that someone else would want to imitate?\u201d What I\u2019ve seen is that guys aren\u2019t necessarily looking for sages, theological champions, CEOs of companies, etc. All those are great, but ultimately, they\u2019re looking for guys they can imitate and hopefully become, because the life they\u2019re living is inspiring to them.<\/p>\n<p>If you are living a life like that, and you\u2019ve struck out a few times, well, be like the midnight visitor in the parables; just keep knocking. Just keep banging on that door, and someone will answer.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Brett:<\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s also possible that you need to find a mentor of your own right now. I think we all need someone that can reflect back to us, honestly, about what our own life looks like. For example, my wife does that for me; she reflects back to me when I have a weird habit or a bad attitude about something.<\/p>\n<p>Or we have guys in our lives who can speak truth to us as a peer. But if you\u2019re a guy who really has no peers\u2014if you\u2019re short on friendships\u2014I think it\u2019s actually going to be tough for you to be a decent mentor because you\u2019re trying to offer something that you don\u2019t have yourself.<\/p>\n<p><strong>What makes a good mentor?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Michael:<\/strong>\u00a0You need to be committed. The worst thing you can do is tell someone that you\u2019re going to mentor them or you\u2019re going to be there for them and then not be consistent.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Brett:<\/strong>\u00a0I think as I get older and acquire more knowledge and experience, there is a paradox in play where I need to be more reticent to share that. What I mean by that is that I need to ask questions, not teach lessons. I mean, you\u2019ve learned these lessons and gone through failures and had experiences, and I think there\u2019s an honest urge to just jump in and say, \u201cWell, this is what you should do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And so, for me personally, what I try not to ever do is answer a question that I haven\u2019t been asked. Instead, I try to ask a lot of questions to draw a guy out so he can share where he\u2019s at. And then if he asks a question, I\u2019m happy to answer it.<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes a guy will sit in front of you who you\u2019ve got 20 years on, and he may say some stupid stuff, but just to be patient and loving in those times. Don\u2019t feel like you have to vomit every piece of knowledge that you\u2019ve accumulated, because it just comes across as condescending and self-righteous\u2014the things you don\u2019t want to be. Instead, we\u2019ve got to draw back and be willing to sacrifice our own right to speak in a sense, until those questions gets asked that we can share our answers to.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Jeremy:<\/strong>\u00a0And above all, they\u2019re not going to hear or listen to your wisdom until they feel cared about by you.<\/p>\n<p><a title=\"https:\/\/mesoamericaregion.us4.list-manage.com\/track\/click?u=03e55b045b4b2d81fc3a5a85b&amp;id=f128c5d5db&amp;e=cc8a2451b3\" contenteditable=\"false\" href=\"https:\/\/mesoamericaregion.us4.list-manage.com\/track\/click?u=03e55b045b4b2d81fc3a5a85b&amp;id=f128c5d5db&amp;e=cc8a2451b3\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><strong>Watch the full webinar here!<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 1986-2020\u00a0<a title=\"https:\/\/mesoamericaregion.us4.list-manage.com\/track\/click?u=03e55b045b4b2d81fc3a5a85b&amp;id=02829a82a1&amp;e=cc8a2451b3\" contenteditable=\"false\" href=\"https:\/\/mesoamericaregion.us4.list-manage.com\/track\/click?u=03e55b045b4b2d81fc3a5a85b&amp;id=02829a82a1&amp;e=cc8a2451b3\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Man in the Mirror<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Mentoring: Grow By Giving Yourself Away in\u00a0Man in the Mirror Blog Are you longing to put your faith in action and make a difference? Is God prompting you to invest in someone else? We want to demystify and discuss the ins, outs, and life-changing nature of mentoring others. The following Q&amp;A excerpts are from our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/mentoring-grow-by-giving-yourself-away\/\"> <\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":22,"featured_media":73649,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3380,4661],"tags":[1187,4666],"class_list":["post-73808","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-leadership-articles","tag-leadership","tag-mentor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/73808","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/22"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=73808"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/73808\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/73649"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=73808"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=73808"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mesonaz.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=73808"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}